Artwork by Michael Abshear
‘Cause even when the night changes,
it will never change me and you…
Grief is pervasive, it comes unannounced and doesn’t leave.
I remember being a teenage girl watching One Direction and I remember how I felt in those moments, my first experience of just how emotional fandom is. I remember going to college and finding people who love it as I do, and geeking out about 5 (4) boys, and understanding how fandom becomes community.
A few days ago, Liam Payne died, and while I had not been following up with him in the recent years, it hit me hard. Because it wasn’t 26 year old me, but the old (young) me, the me at 18, who fell apart.
One Direction was fandom like I’d never seen before, and it was, inadvertently, the basis of all fandoms I’ve been a part of. That community, that emotion, that intensity, and the unconditional love for 5 boys.
But, people change, and Liam did too. And god, a lot of his changes weren’t for the better, but I remember the doe-eyed 14 year old child in X Factor who became Daddy Direction and that’s the person I grieve.
I mourn the child who grew up too fast, in a world that took and took and took. I mourn fangirls who are somehow more empathetic, more considerate and more careful about death than actual adults. I mourn every single one of us who will always remember Liam for the boy he was, because that boy meant the world to us.
Liam, if death has a postal service then I hope our words reach you, I hope our love reaches you, and most of all I hope death is kinder to you than life was.
You’ll always be remembered by us, as the boy you were, and the man we knew you could’ve become.
I don’t excuse the bad things you did, but that does not take away my right to grieve and to believe you could’ve become better.
After all, the night changes really fast, and people change with it, too.
With all my sorrow and love,
A fangirl.
Prithiva Sharma is a writer and poet from India. She is currently working as an English Editor, and spends her free time obsessing over fanfiction and bending canon till it fits her ships. Her work has previously appeared in Wellington Street Review, Vagabond City Lit and The Confessionalist Zine, among others, and can be found at https://campsite.bio/prithiva or at her Instagram, @prithuwu.