- So, there’s a waterfall that was studied by scientists because whenever someone threw something in, they didn’t know where it came out.
I was six when my parents had me evaluated for bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist said that kids can’t be diagnosed because they’re so young and by nature, fickle. It wouldn’t be until I was sixteen that I got diagnosed because no one knew what was going on with me. I didn’t know what was going on with me but I knew something was wrong because people kept saying it. For me, it was normal to feel excited about everything and then not excited about anything. I remember during dinner when my Mom told me that she didn’t know where my feelings were going or coming from but either way, it was impossible for her to deal with.
- When the band was pulling Jennifer into their van, she seemed to be in a trance. Needy was just watching her move around like she was blackout drunk and she felt that something bad was going to happen to Jennifer, she just didn’t know what.
When my parents got divorced, my Mom was on a mission to find a perfect husband. I didn’t think it was weird that she wanted to be in love but the men she chose were always something I raised an eyebrow to. She also started working a lot to support us by herself.
One night, I was getting water when she was leaving for her night shift. In walked her boyfriend of a year, Chris. Chris got mad easily, had dirty hands, and smelt like alcohol all the time. When she started dating him, I didn’t think it would last long. He was a bum but I never said anything to my Mom. When I asked what he was doing here when my Mom was leaving for work, she told me that she felt better if an adult was here to make sure nothing happened to me. Watching her smile and leave, kissing me and then him as she said goodbye, for the first time I felt my heart go empty.
When I saw my Dad that weekend, I made him promise me he wouldn’t say anything to my Mom before telling him about this.
“How does she know Chris wouldn’t do anything to you?” He asked. He was upset and I could tell. When I got back to my Mom’s house, I half expected her to be upset that I told my Dad about Chris. I guess because I was half hoping that he would break his promise and stand up for me.
- And then, like, at school, everyone is talking about what a tragedy this barfire was and how heroic the band was to save people. Which isn’t true and Needy goes off in class about how the band didn’t do anything to help and just left everyone to die and she instantly gets shut down. And Jennifer doesn’t back her up at all because she doesn’t really care.
I hid my acceptance letter for a week before telling my parents that I was going to college states away from home. I hadn’t even told them that I applied. When I told them, we were eating breakfast for dinner at Denny’s. Almost symbolic of how it was when I was a child and they were still together. I showed them the acceptance letter as soon as the server walked away with our orders. My Dad sat in silence and my Mom started to cry. Through her sniffles, she told me she was happy for me. I thanked her.
“But, how will you be able to live on your own?” She asked.
“I’ll live on campus? And we’ll apply for FAFSA together and I’ll probably get a job. Just normal things people do.”
She looked at me, incredulous, “Who? What people?”
My Dad looked back and forth between my Mom and me.
She sighed, “I just feel like you won’t be able to take care of yourself. I mean, I’ve taken care of you my entire life. You’re my baby.”
“I mean, yeah, because you’re my mom. But college is a time for people to learn how to live on their own and this is a good school and -“
“Yeah, I’m your mom so you should listen to me when I say you aren’t ready to live on your own.”
“Mia…” My dad started.
“No, no. Charles, you don’t know what I know because you don’t take care of her full-time. I do.”
I was beginning to regret doing this in a Denny’s. I spoke up, “Mom, when did you think that I was going to move out?”
“I thought you were going to go to school here. And you should. Because it isn’t fair that you leave and you aren’t even ready to so that’s the end of the discussion. You think you’re so grown, but you’re not, you’re 17.”
The server approached our table, plates on her tray. I wanted to comment on how quickly the food came. I didn’t want to look up at my parents. I didn’t really want to eat.
- When Needy asks Jennifer how she’s fine after coming to her house in the middle of the night, looking like literal roadkill and throwing up black tar, Jennifer gaslights her and tells her to see a therapist.
When I graduated from college, I decided to move back to my hometown with my partner. She had never lived on the East Coast but had always wanted to. I told my parents about this move and they were both ecstatic. I was folding my laundry while talking to my Mom about the status of our move.
“So, is your girlfriend excited to move and to meet me?” she asked.
“Um, yeah. I think she’s nervous all around but I think it’s a good kind of nervous. This is a big change for her.”
“You know, I was just talking to my girlfriend, Linda, about this and I was telling her that I just knew you were gay,” She burst out laughing, unable to keep it inside. “It was always obvious to me.” I knew I shouldn’t have responded with the truth. I should respond to things like this with a cool, calm, and collected attitude. I just couldn’t help myself.
“Mom, I don’t think you knew I was gay. I had boyfriends in high school and when I told you I thought I was a lesbian, you said it wasn’t possible that I knew that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You said that it wasn’t possible for me to know if I liked girls until I got with a girl.”
“Yeah, because that’s true and you tried it and now you know you only like girls and not boys. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if you still liked boys because you liked your little boyfriends,” I knew she was feeling defensive, not just by her words or her tone but by how quickly she was speaking.
I sighed, “That isn’t really how sexuality works, Mom.”
“No, you know what, I’ve accepted you and who you are and I don’t know why that isn’t enough.”
“Mom-”
“It took me a while to get used to you being this way and that way and now I can’t do anything right.”
“What? No-”
“I raised you well, and I raised you to be a good girl but apparently that doesn’t matter because I didn’t keep you in therapy and because I don’t agree with you on gay people even though I am supporting you!” She just kept speaking faster and louder, “And I did it! Your dad didn’t do anything except for weekends which, Whoo-hoo, how fun for him. I did the hard work.”
“I know, Mom.” I took a breath to see if she would just keep talking and to my surprise it was quiet.
“I have to go back to work. You should really try looking into a therapist so you can let some of this pent-up shit go.”
Isabella Chasey is a full time cook and full time aspiring writer. During her free time, she spends time with her partner, dog, family and friends. Her social media is @wecallhimfez on both TikTok and Instagram. You can also read more from Isabella on her Substack, Doing Stuff.