Being in films is not all glamour.
I should know I’ve been in a few.
But I never got a lead role or even a credit.
I guess my most famous role was as a skeleton in the scene where I fought Jason in the film, “Jason and the Argonauts.”
I was hanging around in a London Medical school, going nowhere. When a director came round one day. Said he was looking for skeletons to appear in a superior “sword and sandals” film.
The director said, “Would you like to be a film star?”
He made lots of promises of a lifestyle with glory, glitz and glamour. He told me I would meet film stars, eat as much as you want, get to fight with a sword.
I was starstruck and agreed to be in the film, “Jason and the Argonauts.”
I quickly learnt the ugly truth about film acting.
They said nothing about all the hanging around, the boredom, the monotony, listening to other actors’ endless dull stories of suffering for their art, and what someone called, “Dear, dear Larry” told them.
There was food but by the time they allowed us skeletons into the room that Jason and all his precious Argonauts had scoffed nearly everything.
And those swords. They were lethal. Chipped my bones a few times. Health and safety wouldn’t allow that these days.
I suffered badly with my nerves during filming. My bones wouldn’t stop rattling in the waiting area.
There were other problems behind the set. Me and the Talos character didn’t get on. He thought he was too big for the likes of us skeletons. He treated us as if we were far beneath him and looked down upon us.
He has since developed weight problems and issues with rust and has been unable to do any more acting work.
The audience loved the scene where me and my mates were fighting Jason. Well after listening to all his boring “Larry” stories and watching them scoff all the food, us skeletons were putting some venom into our swordplay.
Of course we had to let Jason win. But we made sure we accidentally gave the human actors a few digs and knocks that were not in the script. We made Jason and his Argonauts sweat!
The director loved it and kept most of them in the final cut.
Mind you some of the things we had to do in that scene beggared belief. I’m sure they wouldn’t have asked a human actor to do that stuff.
We had to be buried in the ground at the start and wait for what seemed like ages for our cue to emerge from the soil.
Now you might think that being a skeleton we’re used to being buried in a mound of soil but I’m not good with all that burial stuff. I’m claustrophobic. And also I hate getting dirty.
That terrifying scream we all did to start the fight. That took 78 takes to get it right. My voice was hoarse for days afterwards.
We then had to fight with swords, jumping around and leaping everywhere like we were Errol Flynn.
Finally we had to fall 200 metres off a sheer cliff into the sea.
There were no stunt skeletons for us. What you saw on film was really us falling into the sea.
I was petrified. I went to bits.
But I did it. “The show must go on,” as they say.
I must say I was pleased when I saw the film. Our skeleton faces looked great. We had evil, sinister smiles. I think our facial expressions were more realistic and lifelike than the humans. If I might say they looked rather wooden.
Like I said I think we were the best thing in that otherwise dull film.
The critics loved us and called our scenes “Iconic” and “Legendary.”
None of our lines got dubbed.
They should have called it “Jason and the Skeletons.”
Or even better, “The Skeletons and the Argonauts.”
Simon is a writer from England. He seeks solitude and shadow.